When a Part Wants to Do Harm

A part wanting to do harm

A common challenge in Internal Family Systems (IFS) work is when a person has a part that pushes them toward a behavior they don’t actually want to do. This might be a part that wants to lash out at a spouse, or another that urges self-harm.

I’ve found an approach that helps my or their core Self engage with these parts in a way that moves the person away from acting on the impulse — while still respecting and connecting with the part that carries it. I ask clients to imagine their core Self functioning like a good parent, one who comes from an authoritative (not authoritarian) stance.

Authoritative parenting includes enforcing boundaries — in this case, the boundary of not doing harm — but it also includes curiosity, patience, and care. The Self listens to what drives the part toward the behavior, and it allows space for that part to express its frustration or grief about not getting to act.

In my experience, this combination of firmness and compassion helps people work safely with parts that hold destructive impulses, without shame or suppression — and without losing connection to themselves.